Self Control

Posted by prla1983 on September 28, 2007 • 0 commentsEmail This Post

My heart rate is jacked.

My hand... steady. My hand does NOT shake. Ever.

Just so I never forget this line, it's here on this blog.

Drained and Confused

Posted by prla1983 on September 26, 2007 • 0 commentsEmail This Post

A good impression of myself
What is there to conceal?
Living another life
Forging another lie

Silly make up
Acting cover up
Impersonation, imagination
Weapon of mass deception

Spinning timidly out of control

Mouthful of questions
Avoiding the answers
Who are you anyway?
And who am I anyway?
Wishing away each day
That's the way I've been choosing to play
Every single day


The End is Begun

Posted by prla1983 on September 25, 2007 • 1 commentsEmail This Post

Fuck it. No more.

One little story

Posted by prla1983 on • 0 commentsEmail This Post

While we're on the subject of 3, it would be interesting to learn a lesson from a lesson learnt by Joey. He writes in his myspace weblog:
I was an intellectual little 4 year old. Thinking back to my state of mind then, its funny but I haven't changed much. Anyway I fell deeply in love with a girl named Kim in my nursery school class. At the end of what was to be my last day we played a game of: "name a fruit or vegetable and win a trip down the mini-slide. " I remember being last in line, and Kim was just in front of me. "Apple," she said, but the teacher would not let her pass. "What is his name," the teacher asked and pointed at me. Kim turned around looked at me. "joey!," she said with a laugh. It was an amazing feeling to be acknowledged by some one you feel powerfully drawn to.
That night I went home and thought to myself: "I've got to tell her how I feel. Nothing could be worse than to not at least try. (I was an intense little 4 year old!) It seemed at the very moment I had decided to tell Kim how I felt, my parents came into my room and told me that I wouldn't be going back to nursery school because they couldn't afford to keep me in. It was already too late. I was devistated.
I think this was one of the most profound events in shaping who I am. I turned to song to survive, without it I would be over run with the emotions I feel. I think that my music, my artistry, is an echo of this beautiful sadness that has haunted and inspired me for all my earthbound years.
It surely hits home. But still hanging in the balance between too early and too late. Between too little and too much. Between right and wrong, between hope and despair.

I didn't know I could get like this. Damn.

Serpents in Disguise

Posted by prla1983 on • 0 commentsEmail This Post

Have you come to die?
Or have you come to learn?
Deeper do we dive
Longer to return
Said we won't survive
So now we have to burn
Crashing through the sky
I'll be coming home

And there's a look upon your face
As if there's something out of place
You disappear without a trace
Now you're going home

This moment speeding by
Is never to return
Running out of time
For lessons to be learned
Said we won't survive
So now we have to burn
Crashing through the sky
I'll be coming home

Where did you go
I need to know
What is in my mind

I guess all this time the enemy has really been right there in the mirror.

Posted by prla1983 on September 24, 2007 • 0 commentsEmail This Post

Been a while since I last wrote something and I figured now would be as good a time as ever.

It's also because I'm desperately hoping writing will be therapeutic and that it will help me overcome this time of crisis. When I say it like this, it may sound like war has broken outside and that I'm a refugee running for cover. Things like that don't happen in this paradise country of ours and we must be thankful for that, I guess.

They do however occur inside my head. So, in a sense, I guess quoting DT would be appropriate because, want it or not, I'm constantly waging a war inside my head. It's not because I was in Vietnam as the song implies. I was not. I wasn't even born, I guess. It's because things keep colliding no matter what the problem is. This would also be a good time to apologize to whoever is reading this as it is written in a stream of consciousness type format and hardly anyone will understand what in the blue fuck I'm talking about. That's OK, because by now I probably already lost most of my audience. Pleasure meeting you.

Anyway, I just need to vent. I need something to somehow energize me, something that can go some way to making me get through the day and get to tomorrow. It seems I can never have an element of instability in my mind without it completely affecting me. I'm going through yet another of those phases, which are becoming worryingly frequent, and I feel completely drained. Fortunately not physically, but psychologically there's nothing in there. Even music is further away from my mind, even now that I got a few discs in the mail awaiting my reviewing. And I wanted so desperately to be a reviewer. Now that I am, there's this situation.

It shouldn't work this way. I'm confident what I'm going through is a completely natural and normal process, but maybe it's been too long since I felt this way and this time is not particularly pretty. The "game" should be fun, but only if two people are playing it. Single user mode sucks mightily, especially when the other person probably doesn't even know there's a game going on.

I'm overreacting as always. I'm in serious need of that awesome virtue called "patience". I know I am. But it's so difficult for me to live on a limbo. I'm not actually worried about the outcome. I simply want - need - an outcome. I need to find some way to lift these shadows, this uneasiness, this queasiness, this anxiety because it's affecting my work and it so happens that affecting my work will no doubt affect the work of others. That cannot happen. Must not happen.

It's difficult to believe things can get this way. I'm incredibly drawn to that beautiful sight and it makes me feel so bad at the same time. I have a feeling there's a lot in there despite the interaction being so thin, so short, so objective, so... cold.

I feel disoriented and it worries me so much that a glimpse of hope can be ruined by taking the wrong action at the wrong time. And it's so easy to slip and make that very wrong move.

Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter. At least I hope.