Posted by prla1983 on September 24, 2007 • 0 commentsEmail This Post

Been a while since I last wrote something and I figured now would be as good a time as ever.

It's also because I'm desperately hoping writing will be therapeutic and that it will help me overcome this time of crisis. When I say it like this, it may sound like war has broken outside and that I'm a refugee running for cover. Things like that don't happen in this paradise country of ours and we must be thankful for that, I guess.

They do however occur inside my head. So, in a sense, I guess quoting DT would be appropriate because, want it or not, I'm constantly waging a war inside my head. It's not because I was in Vietnam as the song implies. I was not. I wasn't even born, I guess. It's because things keep colliding no matter what the problem is. This would also be a good time to apologize to whoever is reading this as it is written in a stream of consciousness type format and hardly anyone will understand what in the blue fuck I'm talking about. That's OK, because by now I probably already lost most of my audience. Pleasure meeting you.

Anyway, I just need to vent. I need something to somehow energize me, something that can go some way to making me get through the day and get to tomorrow. It seems I can never have an element of instability in my mind without it completely affecting me. I'm going through yet another of those phases, which are becoming worryingly frequent, and I feel completely drained. Fortunately not physically, but psychologically there's nothing in there. Even music is further away from my mind, even now that I got a few discs in the mail awaiting my reviewing. And I wanted so desperately to be a reviewer. Now that I am, there's this situation.

It shouldn't work this way. I'm confident what I'm going through is a completely natural and normal process, but maybe it's been too long since I felt this way and this time is not particularly pretty. The "game" should be fun, but only if two people are playing it. Single user mode sucks mightily, especially when the other person probably doesn't even know there's a game going on.

I'm overreacting as always. I'm in serious need of that awesome virtue called "patience". I know I am. But it's so difficult for me to live on a limbo. I'm not actually worried about the outcome. I simply want - need - an outcome. I need to find some way to lift these shadows, this uneasiness, this queasiness, this anxiety because it's affecting my work and it so happens that affecting my work will no doubt affect the work of others. That cannot happen. Must not happen.

It's difficult to believe things can get this way. I'm incredibly drawn to that beautiful sight and it makes me feel so bad at the same time. I have a feeling there's a lot in there despite the interaction being so thin, so short, so objective, so... cold.

I feel disoriented and it worries me so much that a glimpse of hope can be ruined by taking the wrong action at the wrong time. And it's so easy to slip and make that very wrong move.

Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter. At least I hope.


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